Thursday, April 29, 2004
and a tiring week draws to a close, the weekend seems so close. but it brings with it little relief, with the prospects of an e4 essay and a gp essay due on monday... the drudgery drags on into the weekends. thats when it strikes you that, "hey, we're j2 liao." and its true. this has been the most tiring week of the year -_- and the most tiring week i can remember for a long time. maybe even forever. its the week where things start to get crammed in, like dance meetings, and econs test and geog test, and napfa test, and arts fac blasting and radio talk show and singapore lecture, and s papers and normal dance. luckily s-lit was put off today... i think i would have just died otherwise. managed to get home and get some rest, and study my geog... which isnt really study and more like just reading through the notes for the first time... well its better than nothing lah =p i dont want to fail! drq some more.

and it looks like i can actually sleep earlier today... thats a great thing, especially considering napfa is tmrw. i cant imagine failing now, and having to take it again and again until the cows come home.. i must clear it tmrw, just hope that i can find a nice pace and good weather for 2.4 tmrw... my only fear =p besides standing broad jump... which should be okae lah. ahhhhhhhhh. and to make the whole week feel better... there's nothing to look forward to on the weekends. the past few weekends have been rather stale... cant remember anything really significant, except maybe sji, and even then it wasnt tt hot. havent shot pool for 3 fridays consecutive (tmrw will be the 3rd)... *sigh*

i have some important decisions to make about s-papers... im really committed to dance, and they are bound to start clashing like mad soon. and i havent done any revision, or any work for s-papers either... bleh. i need to sort out my life. why is labour day on a saturday. it totally sucks. maybe the fact that i have time to watch the oc and blog says something... nah i cant survive without those two :p another thing i definitely cant survive without. sleep! been spending the last few days zombie like... and sleeping during every free period (halfway while browsing notes too) and whenever i can... like.. now, for example ;p


or so it seems, at 10:54 PM


Sunday, April 25, 2004
my blog clock is perpetually spoiled... -_- it keeps resetting itself to EST! ergh.

anyhow havent actually been at dance for quite awhile... besides mg dance night, after tt the practices were pretty much half-hearted for me, i wasnt required to go but i still went anyway, felt like something would be missing otherwise, and i always wanted to recap my steps which i have forgotten already heh. but i ended up playing basketball more than dancing.. *halo* there's something about dancing without music that i just dont get... in the things they carried there's one chapter called "style", its only 2 sides, but its about this girl who dances to her own tune, she has her own music. does that say something about me and the reason i dance? i dont know... but i think i'll figure it out somehow.

meanwhile friday was fun... think we cleared up a lot of issues about dance during the dance meeting... and then we had to rush off to rj dance night! luckily we ran into liz... haha at the front gate we were gonna go wait for a cab when liz came and was like "hey josh are u going rj dance night? when i saw your shirt this morning i knew you were going" haha... so we got a lift there! barely made it in time... =) nus cultural centre is how nice!!! its as nice as the esplanade if not nicer... really grand and cosy at the same time. even though we sat at the circle seats, the view of the stage was still pretty good. the place is really huge... and i was quite impressed by rj dance! especially the hide and huesson(not sure about spelling) couple... they were really amazing. they did a lindy number first... the lifts were just crazy lah. better than sinclair ang haha. then they had a latin number later... the chemistry is just amazing. yeah they're a real couple lah... but still amazing to watch =) the other dances were quite good too... there was one dance with like erh 5 "sets" of girls with 5 different coloured skirts, great concept and the dancing was nice... *sigh* a night to remember.. in more ways than one.. im an idiot. anyway the best part about the cultural centre is the way after the dance everyone can just hang around and chat in the vast expanse of the lobby.. not like at barker where everyone just goes home after the performance. *sigh*

tried something new the past week... eating fruits in school only. found out tt i really dont like dragonfruit and watermelon much... too bland for me! but the mangoes and grapes sure are nice though... haha. anyway it helped me shrink my appetite! been snacking like mad recently, eating a lot a lot... steeled myself and managed to cut it down =) *yay!*

now its sunday morning... havent gone to church for many months liao bleh. sometimes i really feel that im missing something in my life... and that i'm lost and pointless. i gotta spend less time on the computer too.

also... argh! i've been sneezing like mad for the past few weeks... permanently blocked/runny nose and i wake up every morning with a sorethroat... wonder if its something to do with my room -_- or my sleeping habits... gotta sleep earlier! hmmm anyway got lots of essays to catch up wif... *poof*


or so it seems, at 5:36 PM


Thursday, April 22, 2004
somedays you just dont feel like interacting with anyone, you just want to run away and hide and escape into your own little world, where everything is at rest and you can find a certain aamount of solace, you can lose yourself into the nothingness and forget that anything ever existed, all worries and troubles fade away. you can at last immerse yourself into your dreams and fantasies and fly so high, high into the sky amongst the clouds and the stars, away from it all... away from it all. its the kind of day where you feel lonely and lacking in self, maybe you'd agree with others and maybe you wont, but you'd be inclined to be indifferent to it all. today was such a day.

so you might ask, what made today so special? nothing. nothing at all. days like these just come and go, passing sometimes without any fanfare, but other days end up being significant turning points in your life, or the end of something special, or the beginning of something new, or just a rest between the comings and goings. somehow its always about change, change in momentum, change in tune, change in the flow. we tend to resist change and attempt to preserve ourselves as we are, but sometimes change is a great thing. i've been changing.

its on days like this that you wonder, does anyone notice the difference? or have u just become this insignificant speck, uncared for and left alone. at the same time you consider: does it matter? should it even matter? where do you belong, why do you belong, who do you belong. these competing thoughts struggle against each other, but the simple facade of happy go lucky fits in easily. infact perhaps sometimes you read too much into it all, and you just think too much. but sometimes it could trigger a response, a momentary shift where you become the centre of the universe and everything is justified from your point of view. sometimes was just now.

have you ever felt that your'e too nice, and constantly taken advantage of? even by the supposedly nice people. i believe its the oversensitivity kicking in again, but sometimes you have to stand up for what you are. and sometimes you just realise that its all rather petty and nonsense and you regret a certain action. perhaps your'e in the right sometimes, but its not so much about that, its about compromise and being the better person. but yeah i think too much all the time. heh... sorry ash should have passed u the cd ;p

meanwhile i realise that recently my posts have been abit... pensive and perhaps even weird? i dont really know what im talking about... just rambling and kinda forcing the blogging even. not really in any kind of particular mood, but i do understand what hope means. its more than just what i've previously believed it to be, its more than just knowing your dreams and looking forward to them. hope is patience. not just looking forward to them patience, but patience with self, patience with others, patience and the belief that everything will work out in the end. nothing ever turns out the way it should... but it somehow always ends up better. self-confidence and belief in self is another crucial part of hope... how i'm going to find that is another question though. there's a certain amount of... realism in dreams actually. i know they're consider at like opposite ends of the spectrum.. but it comes full circle doesnt it. hope is knowing what reality and is accepting facts, while at the same time challenging them and pushing reality to the limit. hopes would be aimless without reality... but what is reality without dreams?

i dont know... but i hope my dreams can come true =)

even the littlest of dreams shines like the brightest star.


or so it seems, at 10:55 PM


Saturday, April 17, 2004
If i give up on you i give up on me/if we fight whats true/will we ever be/ even God himself/and the faith i knew/it shouldnt hold me back/shouldnt keep me from you

my stupid blog clock isnt working... yesterdays post was at 2am not 11am heh =p was super sleepy at the time... still super sleepy now, woke up at 9 to go dance, which ended up being more of a play bball and dance a little bit break a little bit do some exercises session. our dance studio isnt tt nice. well it has everything we need, aircon, parquet floor, large mirror, stereo set, gym mats... and the inner studio even has a bar. but i just realise tt it can just be so much better, if we all invest a little in it. i would love to have the rubber-like material they use on stages, the black flooring tts non-slip and at the same time even and even maybe a little soft. i would like a better stereo set that we can actually hear both the left/right speakers, new gym mats that aren't falling apart. i want the studio to be ours, so that we dont have to go through so much trouble each time to even open it, and be chased out when the gym people want to go home. i want a studio which we can truly say is ours, that we have a part in "making" and "designing" (its really drab and empty now). oh well, i wonder if all tts possible, but we're trying to get a new speaker/radio/flooring now... yeahh.

Tease me by holding out our hand/then leave me or take me as i am/and live our lives/stigmatized

i still havent figured out what i want to do with my life and where i'm headed, im still pretty much goaless in that aspect, especially when talking about studies and career, and even family. i dont know which university i want to go, what subs i want to take, what job i'm hoping for, when i want to get married, how many children, how many grandchildren, or whatever. i'm a very easy-going person without many qualms... and i realised that this causes many problems. im trying to be more decisive now, but sometimes i find it difficult as i just dont want to step on anybodys toes. but i think i know one thing, i know what i want to be character wise. i know i have flaws, and i'm trying to remove and overcome these flaws, but most importantly i know that well, i have to be myself but at the same time be who i can be. what i mean is like, i have to be who i can be, instead of just settling for "myself". i dont know if that makes sense, but i think it does. i'm not afraid anymore.

I can feel the blood rushing through my veins/when i hear your voice driving me insane/hour after hour/day after day/every lonely night i sit and pray

i'm going for an sji soon... infact i need to go get ready already i'm going to be late. (what else is new huh?) but one thing that has changed is that i've come to accept certain things and work around them. in reflection i realised last year was a fruitful year indeed in terms of class bonding... i know everyone thinks our class is really bonded but we ourselves feel and know that it isnt.. but what would you consider a united class? a class that sits together every recess/lunch(mostly at least) celebrates birthdays happily in the void deck with cakes, take many class photos... but yet i feel we dont do the simple things that friends do, like go out to catch a movie, hang out as a class. everything happens in cliques, but maybe its perfectly normal. i know im kinda cliqueness, a floater, social butterfly or whatever. and maybe its not that bad afterall. i have to realise that in the end my friends will pull through for me... even when i question my own existence in their eyes. its all about faith.

we'll live our lives/we'll take the punches every day/we'll live our lives/i know we're gonna find our way

hmm kinda run out of things to say... cant really force blogging anyway, i think it completely defeats the purpose of catharsis and even just general blogging, events wise or whatever. i think i'll get ready for sji now, which starts in half and hour (the time it takes me to get to orchard, and i'm not even ready yet).

I believe in you/even if no one understands/i believe in you/and i dont really give a damn/we're stigmatized/we live our lives on different sides/but we keep together you and i/we live our lives on different sides... /gonna live our lives/stigmatized.


or so it seems, at 4:29 PM


what an amazing night. the build up had been so tiring and taxing... but its so worth it. even today everything seemed to move rather smoothly, class was slack, ended early for swimmeet and kinda slacked around some more... makeup was fun haha i have this huge hanna (is this spelled right) on my arm now, and a fake tattoo on my chest haha. then we went to mg and it was really quite cool, seeing everyone in their costumes all getting ready for the show.. we were the last group to arrive and get ready i think =) everything just seemed so... well maybe to an extent surreal even (blah we keep talking about tt in lit) but it was really great fun, even sharing the holding room with the mg dance alumni.. haha leanne was there, been awhile since i've seen her. a lot of chio girls too!! =) there's one especially chio/sweet/pretty/hot all together.. *sigh* haha i AM full of crap. anyway the usual tension and anxiety was present again, but it was quite mild this time. i dont know but there was a certain like 'we'll put on a good show' feeling, the fear and stage-fright from my first performance back at ac lunchtime seems so far away now. then we did more makeup and preparation, and finally did our hair! which i thought was really damn cool for the guys lah, red hair spray is the best. i really feel like dyeing my hair during the june hols heh. then as we prepared to get on stage... everything was going so smoothly, i loved every second of it! of course when we got on stage the crowd was really really good, and mg has an amazing stage... the lighting was super good too, really accentuated our dance. i think its our best performance yet! made one glaring mistake, but i think i managed to cover it up nicely.. haha it was just fabulous. all the other dances are also so good... i cant wait to get the video and watch all of it!! cant believe it all ended so fast... only been to mg 2 days and i think the school is really nice, the compound is so spacious and un-crammed, not like ac where each corridor is always packed full of people, and sometimes its just impossible to enter/leave the lts even. i already miss performing, cant wait for future performances and production. oh yah... and i got my first ever flower too!! thank you ashley =) think i'd better go slp... have dance again tmrw. did i mention i really love dance? *grin* it was an amazing night, one i'll never forget

who can deny the joy it brings/when you've found that special thing/your'e flying without wings


or so it seems, at 2:09 AM


Wednesday, April 14, 2004
We've been on the run/driving in the sun/looking out for number one/california here we come/right back where we started from

i'm starting to understand so much more about myself and life and everytihng related to it all. sometimes i feel like a chamelon, my personality morphing itself to fit every situation and please everyone, but who am i trying to fool? in the end i realise i'm just fooling myself, like christina aguilera sings "when will my reflection show, who i am inside". in literature we understand that ultimately everything is a form of artifice, a creation made by the authour to create a certain point of view.. with this idea, how then can we truly be ourselves? i dont know the answer, but i do now that one step there is to stop trying to please everyone and please myself. maybe it sounds very selfish, but i'm starting to see the merits in being frank. you can please others while still pleasing yourself after all, its just that now i wont go out of my way to please everyone when i dont agree/feel the same way. well i guess i havent really been doing that, but sometimes i think its good not to be so nice anyway, its damn tiring to be taken advantage of and be unappreciated.

Well hustlers grab your gun/your shadow weighs a ton/driving down the 101/california here we come/right back where we started from

its been a very tiring past 2-3 weeks for me... havent been sleeping as much as i s hould be... even right now its already 1120 and i'm super shagged from dance and everything, and yet im not sleeping. im just so used to sleeping late already, its like i get home so late and i need to fill this quota of hours spent awake at home in my room before i finally see fit that i go sleep... which by when i'm already dead tired and can fall asleep in mere seconds. time has really slowed down and sped up at the same time, its kinda weird but its that feeling u get when things seem slow moving, but then the days just fly past. i dont know its all weird and cheem and stuff, but one things for sure. its extremely tiring, even though i love it enough to keep doing it. i just wonder when my body will cave in... maybe i'm doing just enough that my body will become miracle stay awake 24/7 body... but i doubt so already my hands are aching from typing.. my wrists hurt.

Californiaaaaaaa (californiaaaa), oh caaaaaaaaaaal

meanwhile i think im started to neglect my studies completely. im just so in love with dance, and i find myself constantly considering dropping s papers for dance. the problem lies wherein i HAVE to take 2 s papers since i dropped maths (which i dont regret at all, good riddance maths) and i think i can handle taking one. 2 is pushing it abit, and maybe i need the pushing since im so damn slack. but i dont want to become so wrapped up in academics and school and whatever, thats another factor that makes dance so appealing. its just away from it all, awaay from the drudgery of tests, of homework, of pressures to do well and make it big. its an escape, a release, relaxation, fun, all mixed into a bundle of music and footwork/bodywork/handwork. it totally rox.

on the stereo/listen as we go/nothings gonna stop me now/california here we come/right back where we started from

school is still fun though. everytime people say school sucks school sucks... but whats school? i think school rocks. i cant imagine staying at home everyday and just rotting away, or even going out to town everyday and burning out. school is interesting in the sense that it creates this pseudo-learning environment where we get thrown together with strangers into a class where everything seems so foreign, and we have to forged our own identities and a combined identity, we start all over again. this is what makes school fun, its the tears the laughter the trials the tribulations the smiles the joy... it really wont be the same without school. infact its this quality of school that actually makes me reconsider ponning, which i have been doing for the last few days due to my fatigue... just cos i dont want to miss any moment, i want to treasure every little second that i have, because i know that at the end of this year everything will be gone, friendships will fade and everything will be so distance... i try not to think about it but i'll be v sad when it all ends.

the pedal to the floor/thinkin' of the roar/gotta get us to the show/california here we come/right back where we started from/california/here we come/california/california/here we come/ohhhhh

oh yeah. i just love this show. totally. completely. utterly. and whatever other phantasmogoric word, every pathetic fallacy and anthromorpophism and personification and whatever. haha ok just unloading some words i learnt in lit. but yes the o.c. is the most amazing show i have seen. ever. it tops boston public, csi, the practice, west wing, sopranos, friends, maybe even Ed, and whatever other show that i watch and forgot about now.. i can just identify completely with everything. i dont really know how to explain it, but i feel every moment of the show, and its definitely a HUGE bonus that the show uses so many different songs throughout (i love it) and the songs rock too. it rocks my world.

california/california/here we come

you know what else rocks my world? sleep rocks my world.





or so it seems, at 11:38 PM


Monday, April 12, 2004
sigh. i feel like i have too much free time some days, then no time at all on other days. why cant i strike a balance? i hate my timetable now. its like today for instance, also in part due to water polo finals but in general everytime lah, i only have like 1 econs lecture, 1 gp period, 2 econs tutorial and 2 geog tutorial. all of which well, we dont really get anything done at all, and then after tt i have geog s. but its like today had polo finals, so scratch off the last 3, and i just have econs lec gp basically. j2 doesnt feel like j2 should at all... i feel the pressure but at the same time find myself incredibly free.. maybe i should be using this time to study, but i dont have the impetus or motivation too yet. i know there's an econ's test on friday, but when i look at the notes i forgot each word as i read in, and i just cant focus or concentrate. i think its that damn lethargy again, being too free isnt a good thing.

meanwhile i'm starting to feel incredible amounts of regret lately. its all the things that i could have done when i was young, and was doing but stopped at that point because of laziness and lack of motivation. how i wish i could wind back the time when i played the piano, did taekwando, played soccer in school (acs primary lah haha).. but i pulled out of all this, my parents being nice and letting me stop because i didnt want to. now looking back i think of all the things i could be doing had i continued all of this... sigh. why does everything have to like begin now? the things i could have done and should have done all come back to haunt me... some parts of me wish my parents had forced me to continue taking all of this, forced me to take gymnastics and ballet (haha its seems so damn fun now) and basically altered my life totally. a time when i used to swim every week, played table tennis in primary school (i was quite good k haha), i remember henry park when we used to run up and down this stretch of concrete path that linked our sch to rgs... racing all the time with shawn shaohui suichuan... sigh. then secondary school i took part in chess of all things... what a waste of my life. im so in love with sports and competition... but i just let it all go to waste. even now i feel something lacking, because while dance is damn fun.. there's just no competition like hard rough brutal competition. heh like today's polo match lit a fire in me, even as a spectator i can feel every moment. i know i am super competitive when it comes to games especially... (last year ac games was erh quite embarrassing lah when i lost my temper) but i just miss all of this. havent played any sport in a damn long time... hopefully tmrw can do some activity after sch (yup my useless day where i end at 230 in sch and have to wait for dance at 530)

hmm actually maybe i do have things to do, just that they dont interest me much.. like reading my s-lit books. urgh i hate reading when i have the impression that i'm not reading out of interest but because of pressure and necessity. oh well. back to the grind.


or so it seems, at 9:17 PM


Sunday, April 11, 2004
i didnt realise the survey was so long... takes up so much place haiz. wad a sian sunday! nothing much to do... found some nice videos of flips though heh its damn cool... =p
yawn* gonna eat now. i think i should be reading my s-lit books argh s papers have begun to irritate me


or so it seems, at 7:44 PM


dam bored so... survey! i kinda do surveys more for myself than for others... especially these super long kinds.

What is your name?:josh..
Are you named after anyone?:nah
What's your screename?:screename? har. josh lah
Would you name a child of yours after you?:no way
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?:erh.. jessica? (haha aa1 joke)
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?:i like my name
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?:jo-shua
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?:no
Basics
Your gender::guy
Straight/Gay/Bi::straight -_-
Single?:sadly.
If not, do you want to be?:siao
Birthdate::2-2-86 (nobody knows)
Your age::... do the math lah
Age you act::haha erh 10-15?
Age you wish you were::21.. but 18 is great
Your height::168
Eye color::black.
Happy with it?:i guess
Hair color::black
Happy with it?:pretty much...
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous::right
Your living arrangement::in my house? family lah
Your family::one bro
Have any pets?:nope
Whats your job?:school
Piercings?:maybe ear one day...
Tattoos?:no
Obsessions?:lots
Addictions?:lots
Do you speak another language?:cheena counts right
Have a favorite quote?:when the stars fall i will lie awake, your'e my shooting star
Do you have a webpage?:erh, duh? =p
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?:not all the time
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?:depends on the situation
Do you have any secrets?:everyone has secrets
Do you hate yourself?:nah
Do you like your handwriting?:no i hate it.
Do you have any bad habits?:yup
What is the compliment you get from most people?:erh... so nice/sweet? "thanks"
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?:nice but last
What's your biggest fear?:loneliness
Can you sing?:badly
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?:... no way
Are you a loner?:i dont know
What are your #1 priorities in life?:love/friendships
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?:yes
Are you a daredevil?:erh not really
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?:self-pity? ironically yes
Are you passive or agressive?:passive
Do you have a journal?:duh.
What is your greatest strength and weakness?:erh.. my sensitivity for both
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?:i dont know
Do you think you are emotionally strong?:i can be
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?:yes... but hopefully not anymore
Do you think life has been good so far?:yeah pretty much
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?:the little things matter
What do you like the most about your body?:my hands
And least?:my fat cheeks.
Do you think you are good looking?:nope
Are you confident?:semi-
What is the fictional character you are most like?:erh. ed from ed
Are you perceived wrongly?:yeah
Do You...
Smoke?:i. hate. smoke.
Do drugs?:.
Read the newspaper?:sports page!
Pray?:yeap
Go to church?:not anymore
Talk to strangers who IM you?:nope
Sleep with stuffed animals?:haha used to
Take walks in the rain?:i like the rain but... nah
Talk to people even though you hate them?:yeah
Drive?:i wish!!!!
Like to drive fast?:haha drive first, then drive fast
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?:sometimes
Hurt yourself?:yeah i have a huge ugly bruise on my wrist dunno where its from.. and my lower back hurts
Been out of the country?:yeah.. not v far though
Eaten something that made other people sick?:not too sure
Been in love?:i think so
Done drugs?:nope
Gone skinny dipping?:nope
Had a medical emergency?:nope
Had surgery?:nope
Ran away from home?:nope
Played strip poker?:nope
Gotten beaten up?:nope
Beaten someone up?:nope
Been picked on?:nope
Been on stage?:at last a yes
Slept outdoors?:yep
Thought about suicide?:you'd be lying if u havent
Pulled an all nighter?:and died the next day
If yes, what is your record?:once slept 5 hours in 3 days... i think maybe 26 hours
Gone one day without food?:yar.. hungry hungry
Talked on the phone all night?:nah.. i wouldnt mind though
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?:nah
Slept all day?:yup when im sick
Killed someone?:have you? -_-
Made out with a stranger?:zzz
Had sex with a stranger?:zzzz
Thought you're going crazy?:yeah
Kissed the same sex?:never.
Done anything sexual with the same sex?:never. ever.
Been betrayed?:yeah.. or felt like it anyway
Had a dream that came true?:yep i feel lots of deja-vu
Broken the law?:hmm yep
Met a famous person?:define met... i saw sun yan zi once.. haha. got autograph from urban xchange!
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?:on purpose... haha insects lah
On purpose?:eh oops didnt see this
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?:yeah accidentally..
Stolen anything?:i haf someone's lost water bottle now..
Been on radio/tv?:yeah
Been in a mosh-pit?:whats tt? haha
Had a nervous breakdown?:nah close maybe
Bungee jumped?:wouldnt mind
Had a dream that kept coming back?:not tt i remember
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?:nope
Miracles?:yes definitely.
Astrology?:nah. i love the stars though
Magic?:nope
God?:i'd like to think i still do... im not sure
Satan?:heh for some reason satan seems more real
Santa?:haha yeah and his elves and rudolf and whatever the rest are called
Ghosts?:naaaah
Luck?:yep
Love at first sight?:yes.. my dream
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?:yeah.. opposites define each other
Witches?:haha some of my teachers.. *halo*
Easter bunny?:bounce bounce
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?:of course
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?:erh.. haha
Do you wish on stars?:=)
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?:this quiz is long.. whats the traditional view?
Do you think God has a gender?:nope
Do you believe in organized religion?:organized ah? if u believe u believe
Where do you think we go when we die?:heaven or hell
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?:not so sure
Who is your best friend?:none. zero. zilch. nada. wish i had one
Who's the one person that knows most about you?:can't tell
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?:with faith like a child - jars of clay.
Your favourite inside joke?:hmm it always changes... for now it has to be star trek! *hehe*
Thing you're picked on most about?:dunnoe
Who's your longest known friend?:hmm.. tt would be sam or kev.. but kev's in aus now =p
Newest?:hrm. isabella
Shyest?:mel
Funniest?:GORDON LIM. i miss you
Sweetest?:vinia!! miss you too
Closest?:ah hmm. i dont know..
Weirdest?:haha whats weird? maybe howard and his bug eyes
Smartest?:geoff now in the states
Ditziest?:michelle duh
Friends you miss being close to the most?:erh. dunno
Last person you talked to online?:dappy!
Who do you talk to most online?:hrm according to chat logs... haha. da ;p
Who are you on the phone with most?:im hardly on the phone... clara?
Who do you trust most?:DTA!! (dont trust anybody) haha erh.. ben/teng?
Who listens to your problems?:everyone
Who do you fight most with?:haha must be... "joshua phua you better stop it." "shuddup" "your'e such an asshole you know"... WENYEE!! =p
Who's the nicest?:lebby! everyone's nice lah =)
Who's the most outgoing?:outgoing hrm... kexian?
Who's the best singer?:lebbbbbbbyy
Who's on your shit-list?:whats that -_-
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?:tsktsktsk
Who's your second family?:second family? ah?
Do you always feel understood?:no
Who's the loudest friend?:lebby
Do you trust others easily?:kinda
Who's house were you last at?:my own house lah... haha tt was a long time ago... hmm.. da
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in::havent found tt person yet
Do your friends know you?:kinda...
Friend that lives farthest away::becca!
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?:nope, but it can hurt
What do you find romantic?:havent done anything romantic yet but.. there was once ed did a damn romantic thing.. haha i'll blog about it sometime
Turn-on?:is anyone reading the survey anyway?
Turn-off?:its incredibly long.
First kiss?:not yet
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?:flattered
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going:or going? ah? i dun understand
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out:yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv:everyone is beautiful =p
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?:nope
What is best about the opposite sex?:boobs! haha okae just kidding... i dont know they're just special
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?:whacking us guys for no reason -_-
What's the last present someone gave you?:choker from south africa =)
Are you in love?:unsure..
Do you consider your significant other hot?:if i had a significant other... hell ya
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?:haunted me? arh?
You wanted to kill?:haha oops cannot say
That you laughed at?:sam hahahahah =D
That laughed at you?:sam again =p
That turned you on?:im not a robot lor
You went shopping with?:woah okae havent shopped in ages.. my parents
That broke your heart?:dunno =p
To disappoint you?:many ppl... but i disappoint easy
To ask you out?:NOBODY -_- oh wait haha okae eugene. no wait yp
To make you cry?:ppl dont usually make me cry..
To brighten up your day?:dawn ash andrea
That you thought about?:hmm havent really thought about anyone
You saw a movie with?:damn long ago, havana nights with dance
You talked to on the phone?:clara
You talked to through IM/ICQ?:eh didnt they ask tt just now.
You saw?:my family lah!
You lost?:Jesus
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?:was too lazy today... hopefully tmrw!
Will it be with your significant other?:i wish :(
Or some random person?:haha no not random
What are you wearing right now?:shorts and shirt
Body part you're touching right now::eh? im touching the keyboard right.. duh.
What are you worried about right now?:finishing this so i can sleep..
What book are you reading?:lit s books aplenty. help.
What's on your mousepad?:i dont have a mousepad.. the wonders of optical mouse
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling::tired lethargic bored sian sleepy
Are you bored?:refer above.
Are you tired?:refer above.
Are you talking to anyone online?:not anymore
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?:not anymore
Are you lonely or content?:lonely but maybe abit content.. cos i know i can sleep soon
Are you listening to music?:yeah.. bright lights matchbox twenty!

Really Long Survey (over 200) brought to you by BZOINK!


or so it seems, at 1:25 AM


Saturday, April 10, 2004
im up so early on a saturday. bleh. but haha need to go sch liao for dance.
just feel like making a list of things i need to get done...

1* Get a haircut.. its way too long and looks damn weird
2* Plan out a schedule. I spend too much time doing nothing on the comp anyway
3* Buy a new pair of specs. Anyone wanna shop with me? preferably with good taste =)
4* Sleep earlier everyday. Maybe around 11 latest, i'm suffering in school
5* Go out more often.. especially like yesterday night! i had a really good time just walking around in town and chatting at tangos =)
6* Find time to play basketball and soccer. Need that "kick" in my life.. haha.
7* Make this list last till 10... haha lame. Get new nice dance shoes!
8* Get new gel for my hair... normal gel is too weak and wax is killing my hair.
9* Sculpt a washboard stomach. GOod luck here!
10* Cut down the time i spend doing irrevelant things before leaving my house, and not be SO late anymore. Like now!

i'm outta here =) oh yah my blog time has been screwed, yesterday's post was at 2am not 11am.. haha damn blogger =p shooooo!


or so it seems, at 7:55 PM


i need to rediscover love. i never though i'd forget something such as love in such a quick time... infact i never though i'd forget it ever. what's love? it takes many forms and shapes and sizes and definitions... but ulimately i'd like to think love is something that, not only does everyone strive for it, but its also something that solves everything. love should be the answer... though more often than not it seems like the root of all my troubles. *sigh*

the easiest way to get rid of lethargy is to go out. ironic isnt it... kinda like a paradox even, but its true! when i get stuck at home and feel all tired and lazy and seemingly incapable of going anywhere... tts when i need to go out the most. its only when i get out of the house and go town, or hv, or just get out in general, its such a refreshing experience. i miss the times when i could go town at least 2-3 times a week, excluding weekends... tuesday was gelare day and wednesday was movie/shopping day... friday was pool day, saturday was movie/pool/shopping day, sunday was slack and hang out day. now my schedule reads like... monday s-paper tuesday dance wednesday dance thursday s-paper friday pool (at least i manage to keep this day) saturday stone sunday stone... if i'm lucky i can find ppl to go out with on the weekend... and i'm quite unlucky it seems.

sometimes i feel like im going to sink into this reclinable chair of mine, melt away into nothingness and become just part of the furniture... more than just a sloth clinging and crawling slowly on a tree, more than just a chamelon blending into the leaves, more than just a moth sliding onto a tree. and i realise its not just about tiredness or lethargy or laziness... its deeper than that, it seems to describe life in totality. like how sometimes i get so fed up of being the nice guy, frustrated that i have to take the initiative, saddened when my initiative is ignored and subsituted, disappointed when i'm left alone. i hate being everyone's girlfriend. everytime its always "what guy? only girls wad" and blahblahbleeblee or "your'e not a guy wad, your'e just like a girlfriend to me" and even "eeeee! so girl". like whatever lah! haha ok kidding but yeah lah why cant i do nice things and be sweet and sensitive and not be a guy? i dont think anyone ever considers "heyyy he'd make a great boyfriend". ok whining over. i rationalise it by knowing that i guess its great to be able to like be a girlfriend to girls, to be able to hang out with girls all the time without having any problems, like liz says "more girls again?", but at the same time i want to be seen as a GUY. im a guy. i have guy needs. i want a girl. i need a girl. GIRL GIRL GIRL. haha okae tts just damn weird... but oh well. why am i every girl's girlfriend and not any girl's BOYFRIEND. *sigh again*

rambling is kinda a great stress reliever i realise. anyway gotta catch up on all the times i've wanted to blog and then 1.forgotten to 2.too lazy 3.fell alseep. last saturday after gp test i wanted to play soccer so badly... hadnt played for a long long long time and well we'd arranged to play soccer (ac guys)... and then at the last minute dance cropped up. well maybe it was in the schedule (not too sure) but i had already set my heart to playing soccer with the guys, something which i miss and still havent done for a long time, infact i havent taken part in any sport for such a long time. PE SUCKS! why cant we ever play games... i still resent the fact that the girls chose to do EXERCISES instead of play a GAME during double pe tt time. UGH. but anyhow as a result my mind was really far away from dancing... infact i even came to resent dance at that point. like in addition to tt i'm rather irritated that i stay back with the committee, help out with committee matters, do the music, and the video, and usually leave the latest, and yet am not in the committee. i remind myself that its cause i love dance and im not doing it for the cca points, and i do, but somewhere at the back of my mind there's a prodding that says: "hey, your'e not getting any leadership points for what you do, your'e not getting any cca recognition..." and sometimes it irritates me because i know this could affect my future. which is one reason the pearls system is retarded. but i love dance. and thats why i do it. which is why i realise how foolish i was... i really put in the effort in the next dance practice because i know that my dance has kinda degraded... not that it was any great in the first place, but it has been sliding and my memory isnt v good anyway (i always forget steps after 1-2 weeks) and well... i know i can do better. each practice should be all out, and i think thats another reason i like dance... it lets me forget everything else if i truly lose myself to the music, something that i wasnt able to do on saturday... and if i ever lose that i think dance would lose its whole meaning to me, music would become meaningless. its the ability to completely immerse yourself into the moment, enjoy the music, understand what the lyrics mean, feel the movement... everything about music.

there was something else i was thinking about that i've forgotten.. but i know its about acting. the acting that happens everyday in our lives, when we say hi and smile and dont mean it, when we shrug away worries that remain in our hearts, when we hold back tears till we go to the toilet, as we grin with resenment, put on a happy front when everything is collasping. it shouldnt be so easy to act, but i find, albeit ironically, that its completely natural to act. i hate acting... but yet i find myself doing it all the type in order to maintain 1. stereotype 2.commonality 3.reputation 4.image. o thoml o've been managing to be much more frank with myself and others, and its going to be difficult to maintain this frankness and at the same time do something about it, get off my ass and change my life, change what i am, but i need this frankness. thats why i really love people who can just be so frank with me, be frank with life and be frank with themselves.. i'd rather everyone speak their mind and get it all over with... like this song by Vonda Shepard.. "baby dont break my heart too slow". dont lie and act, just let the truth be known so that something can be done about it.

what are dreams? are they the fabric on which we base our reality? i dont know, but i know one thing that dreams mean. to dream we need to sleep, and i definitely need sleep now. i havent been sleeping well at all... getting too little of it infact. i just find myself lazy to get to bed, after spending like 15 hours in school, that leaves me 9 hours of the day left... i spend an hour eating bathing travelling, leaving me 8 hours to chat and homework, which usually leaves me 5-6 hours of sleep on weekdays, which i dont use v well either. weekends arent much different as i go out to compensate for all of this, and end up sleeping like 8-9 hours max. infact i need to wake up in 7 hours... think i'll go sleep now.


or so it seems, at 2:30 AM


Friday, April 09, 2004
wanted to blog.. but change of plans! will blog when i get back home =) *changed contacts

lets go back... back to the beginning
back to when the earth the sun the stars all aligned
cos perfect, didnt feel so perfect
trying to fit a square into a circle
was no lie, i defy

let the rain fall down
and wake my dreams
let it wash away
my sanity
cos i wanna feel the thunder
i wanna scream
let the rain fall down
im comimg clean, im coming clean




or so it seems, at 3:38 PM


Tuesday, April 06, 2004
\Las"si*tude\, n. [L. lassitudo, fr. lassus faint, weary; akin to E. late: cf. F. lassitude. See Josh.] A condition of the body, or mind, when its voluntary functions are performed with difficulty, and only by a strong exertion of the will; languor; debility; weariness.


or so it seems, at 9:56 PM


Sunday, April 04, 2004
sigh. everything has to come to an end sometimes. and it takes awhile before the next beginning comes up again.

im standing on the bridge, im waiting in the dark, i thought that you'd be here by now. there's nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground, im listening but theres no sound. isnt anyone trying to find me? wont somebody come take me home

is hope just being naive? or is it the cure of all ills and depression. i think its neither and both at the same time... hope is not naive, its optimism that keeps you going, and it does remove depression and makes the next day worth living, your existence becomes meaningful. but at the same time hope makes u realise how foolish u can be when everything collaspes, hope only serves to make your depression more acute and painful. the amazing thing is that hope can do all of this at the same time, and it makes everything just seem so ridiculous and silly sometimes. but it still hurts.

its that damn cold night. trying to figure out this life, wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new. i dont know who you are but i, i'm with you. i'm with you.

sometimes i wonder what its all for, why do i do the things i do. invest myself in something, get hurt, fall down hard, somehow pick myself up again, invest myself all over again, get hurt again, fall down harder. each time it gets harder to pick myself up again, and each time it lasts less and less. the fall hurts more each time, everytime i think i've pulled myself out of the mess and moved on in my life and reached a place where no one can hurt me, i just trip and fall all over again, back into the abyss where the old feelings and forgotten regrets come back to haunt me, where pains and anguish cast aside surround me and cast me into the darkness, and each time the distant light seems to get smaller. but i just pull myself out to get hurt again.

im looking for place, im searching for a face, is anbody here, i know. cos nothings going right, and everythings a mess, and no one likes to be alone. isnt anyone trying to find me, wont somebody come take me home.

i dont know why i feel the way i do, but i just do. maybe its self-pity, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, a loner streak, any of a million things that u can link to me. but realising why wont change anything. maybe its the skewed perception of tihngs that i have, or the way i feel differently about this or that. but i just feel that i put so much effort into something, only to not feel it when it does come about. or to see others feel it and share it and be happy, but i feel left out and left behind, forgotten and insignificant, my efforts ignored but the lesser efforts of others recognised, praised, and remembered. this shouldnt affect me, i tell myself, i should be happy that what i wanted so much came about. but i cant help feeling left out, and its not because my efforts didnt bear fruit while others did, its more that other efforts didnt take me into the equation. maybe they assume that my efforts show that i dont need their efforts, or that my fake smile and my happy exterior satisfy that they dont need to be bothered about me and happily go living their lives.

its that damn cold night. trying to figure out this life, wont you take me by the hand take me somewhere new. i dont know who you are but i, i'm with you. i'm with you.

maybe its because i tend to brush aside my feelings and hide them when in the presence of others... i know i sit there quietly and stare and pretend to listen and be interested, when they arent really talking to me and i'm like an outsider looking in the window, trying to eavesdrop on a conversation that is directed at the group but not at me, im not part of the group im just sitting outside. strangely once i get into this mode i ignore attempts to get me into the group, if they do come about... but i get the feeling like even if i do get seen sitting aside or standing aside all i get offered is a seat, and then am still left out and ignored, or that they only realised me because im sitting there all quiet and lonely, not because they wanted to include me in the first place but because they realised tt i was outside looking in. like i didnt have an invitation, but they extended it to me because they felt sorry for me. maybe i dont reach out myself and draw the attention to me, making myself the centre of attention and be recognised, but thats because i dont want to and feel awkward doing so... i just want to be involved, and not at the centre but at least part of everything thats happening. not cast aside, nor pulled along out of pity.

why is everything so confusing. maybe i'm just out of my mind.

take me by the hand take me somewhere new. i dont know who you are, but i'm with you.


or so it seems, at 11:39 PM


Thursday, April 01, 2004
oh yah just remember. april fool's!

tomorrow will be a good day. not that today wasnt ;p


or so it seems, at 10:21 PM


And then the rain just stops, the grey clouds lighten and they start to part, sunlight streams through in bits and pieces; its not long before everything is all sunny again. But too much of a good thing is never good, and soon it gets too hot and i get sweaty and uncomfortable, the sunlight seems to sting the skin and penetrate deeper than that, it fries the insides and leaves everything out to melt in the sun. I feel the heat rises up from the ground, falling from the sky, spreading from wall to wall, space to space. And then it rains again.

That's the cycle of life. A balance that strikes whenever i least expect it, and i dont feel it coming either. The rain comes as a relief, the first drop of cold water sends a new sensation through my entire body. the touch on my skin triggers a chain reaction of feelings, and its spreads. its like when i dip my fingertips into a pool of water, and slowly lower my fingers into the water. sometimes i pull out and enjoy the sensation, its more than just the feeling of coolness and the utterly relaxing mood that seems to stem from just that contact. its like for that one second i'm floating, i'm defying gravity and the laws of nature, seemingly drifting in the water. thats the effect rain has. sitting by the window looking out into the raining sky, the chain of silver droplets trailing to the ground, a seemingly endless stream of shining beads that disintegrate with touch and blend into the skin.

That's where the balance comes into play. i dont throw myself into the water, i limit myself to my fingers and palm, at most the arm as well, but then the sensation is different. its a cold sensation, the kind of cold that i try to avoid. its the cold that seems to tell me that i'm alone, that everything is just a mirage. all the sensation does is to tease me and pull me in, but then i fall in and i lose myself in it, and i struggle to get out. this struggle can take seconds to days to weeks, but eventually the sun comes out and the water drys away.

sometimes i just dont know what to feel anymore, i dont know what I feel anymore. its not about anything else, not my surroundings, not my class, not my friends, my enemies, school, life, etc. its all of it and none of it. everythings just adds to it, but in the end i know its only how i let it all affect me, and thats what frustrates me. because i let it affect me deep down inside. perhaps my heart is a fragile one. its like an apple, with hard crunchy skin, but soft juicy flesh within. the hard crunchy skin is made up of the feelings i just pile up to cover me, the feelings of anger, irritation, regret, self-pity, loneliness, i stuff it all into the crunchy skin, which in a way protects me. self-pity is the ultimately shield against pain, while it hurts in some sense, i guess it still seems to be a kind of excuse, a way out of everything.

i take things extremely personally, but i kinda hide it. i think its like romeo and juliet, the your face is like a book thing... no wait thats from macbeth. anyway haha ok time to type normally again lah. kinda sian trying to be all profound and articulate. (okok stoppit stoppit) wo bu zhi dao lah... everytime someone says something, even if its not directed at me i tend to take it personally... i react to tone the most. i dont know maybe sometimes i do it myself lah... but i know my face can just turn extremely black to extremely like... not sad looking but depressed looking,.. whatever colour or shape that takes lah. sometimes i think that im oversensitive... but in a way i guess its good, cos i really believe that u cant feel love without pain, everything needs an opposite to have meaning. yes is nothing without no, front is useless without back. what is up without down? thats the paradox of life! haha im addicted to tt word sia... everything in arts must be paradox, paradox of war, paradox of thrift, paradox of asian family vs third wave pro-nuclear family or dunno what shit lah... haha ok just kidding, but u get my drift lah.

what i want... i want many many things lor. sometimes i get what i want, but its only the material things that i get... after all its so easy wad. save money, dont get christmas gift and bday gift, then get an expensive gift to like... make up for it lor. i dont get gifts at all... infact i can only remember like (besides gifts from family lah) a handful of gifts in total... most of them are in the picture above in fact. (the nydc thing i kope lah... but shhhhh) but it doesnt really affect me guess i've kinda conditioned myself... haha this is NOT self-pity btw. hmph. i am in a good mood anyway, been in a good mood for the past few days lah... kinda trying to find God again... its slow and difficult, but i believe im on my way! *yay*

meanwhile... listening to my fav cd again... what attracts me to music is the feeling it gives me, i can totally immerse myself in lyrics and tune and beat... the song lah. i guess thats why i can listen to such a wide range of music.. i dont really have loves and hates, and i adapt quite quickly to different kinds of music, classical to hip-hop, pop to alt-rock, jazz to ballads. disney songs rock too. i quite like boybands too, my westlife greatest hits album sits nicely on my shelf, sandwiched between cirque du soleil's saltimbanco and evanesence.

nostaglia is a kind of dreaming, and so is erh... looking into the future lah, and imaging what could be and should have been and everything. and i dream soooo much. i dream all the time, especially when i'm alone, like going home on the bus, going to school on the bus, walking to the busstop, walking along orchard road, waiting for the lift, sitting in class alone during free periods, stoning infront of the comp, getting ready for bed, lying down waiting for my dreams to manifest themselves for a few seconds slightly more tangible than before, whenever, wherever. truly its everything that keeps me going... dreams represent so much, but in the same time mean nothing. after all its only reality that really matters... does it? i'd like to think that our dreams define reality, much like u cant have love without pain blahblah, reality means nothing without dreams. at the end of everything is a new beginning, every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. there's so many things that i know i'd rather be doing right now, like cuddling with my loved one (i dont have one lah dun kaypoh can... ha ha) walking under the stars, sitting by the road, brushing her hair softly... looking into her eyes... haha okok stop stop. but more than just that lah, like what i'd like to be doing with my life, coming back earlier from school instead of slumping home at like 8-9 almost everyday, going out more often with the people whom mean something to me and i mean something too. i've never considered myself to be a v interesting person... i know i'm quite boring lah. yeah i say hi to loads of people in school... but thats all i say. i dont know many people more than their names and maybe abit of background information... even my class, even my ex-class, how many would i say i keep in touch with regularly, and mor ethan keep in touch but know much about, know as much as a close friend should? i dont, and i wonder if its because i dont bother? maybe it is... i'd like to think im not a loner by nature but maybe sometimes i am... but then why do i long for friendships and companionships so much. maybe i've been a loner, but im sick of it liao. get away from me lonely self, i need someone to share everything with, i need friends to laugh and play and cry and scream with, i need someone to hug when im sad and console when their sad, i need friends to cheer with me and friends to bring me up when im down.

everything starts from someplace... today seems like a good time doesn it. its like i said previously, positivity is the key behind everything... everytime people seem to busy to care, everyone already has their friends, their cliches, their niches, comfortable places they can be where they dont need a new intruder like me... i need a yellow brick road, a shooting star, a fallen angel, a floating cloud... *haiz*

she's his yellow brick road
leading him on
and letting him go as far
as she lets him go
going down to nowhere

she puts on her makeup
the same way she did yesterday
hoping everything's the same
but everything has changed

in my mind
everything we did was right
open your eyes i'll still be by your side
how could i ever have been so blind
you give me something to sleep to at night

he wakes up to the sound
so scared that she's leaving
he wishes she were still
asleep next to him
hoping she will change

....

you give me something to sleep to
something to sleep to
something to sleep to at night


or so it seems, at 10:20 PM


ahhh... =) i'm super tired again... got home only like 3 hours ago... ate dinner then worked hard k! haha... i love dance v much! =)

guess i'd better go and sleep now... got a major headache. but... u need these things to realise just what everything else means... u cant find happiness without sadness can you? haha

don't worry.... be happy! *bounces into bed*


or so it seems, at 12:24 AM


in a nutshell
josh. 22. acsian for life

Hpps/Acs(i)/Acjc/Smu SocSc

living life in the fast lane,
missing the smell of roses.
always looking for the stars,
all i see are grey clouds.

things to do before im 30
learn japanese and french
learn to cook
drive a sporty convertible
travel to japan & europe
rent my own apartment

find God again
fall in love

loves
ashypoo becca chewie clara dawny dalena eugy joy kexian liz luke mich stella tengchi vinia yp zhern aH'04 prompics zoopics

as of late
listening to: 周杰倫. My Chemical Romance. Tristan Prettyman.

watching: Lost Season 4. Friday Night Lights Season 1

reading: Thomas Pynchon - Gravity's Rainbow.

taggies

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